Looking into the mirror

They said finding yourself would be as easy as looking into a mirror and accepting what you see.
I did what was told and big surprise; I didn’t like what I saw.
I saw someone desperate. Someone who craved love and acceptance so much and felt if she didn’t get it, her whole life meant nothing.
I saw someone ugly. The type of ugly that never goes away. The ugly duckling who doesn’t turn into that beautiful swan.
I saw someone fake. A girl who pretended to be Christian and know God, yet didn’t believe it for a second anymore.
I saw someone dumb. The dumb that makes you silent because you’re scared of saying the wrong thing. So naïve, you don’t even believe your own thoughts.
I saw someone self-centered. A person who is so self-loathing and sad, that they can’t even tell how it affects the people they love.
I saw a nobody. A lone being who just didn’t matter. Someone undeserving of love.
Why did I choose long ago to give up on myself and allow these thoughts to become real? I felt I was in too deep a hole to get out of. People tried to help me and I refused to accept it because I didn’t want to be a burden.
I lost my relationship, my dog, my job and myself completely. I knew then; I had to change how I thought of myself in order to really start living. These thoughts were not the real me because deep, deep down I know who I am.
I am kind and caring. I put others happiness first because I feel love can conquer all. The world is already messed up and I don’t need to make it worse.
I am smart. I choose to learn new things every day whether its new vocabulary, or someone famous in history.
I am beautiful. My imperfections make me, Me.
I am strong. I choose to get up every morning whether I want to or not. I’ve been through lots of adversities but am still here.
I am somebody. I am someone daughter, someone’s sister, someone’s friend. I am worthy of life and love.
These ugly thoughts are not real and its up to me to stop listening. Its not easy but things worth fighting for never are. And I choose to fight for me.

3 thoughts on “Looking into the mirror

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  1. I love what you have to say. I think it is honest and brave and real. You might be surprised by how many women you speak for. It saddens me how many girls in our world, who turn into women, are so self-critical. I guess men can be so too. But it seems to me that our society doesn’t train boys to be self-critical the way it does girls. I am so happy that you came to the conclusion that you will fight for yourself. Since you said you don’t believe anymore, I am inferring that you once believed. If you once believed then somewhere in you, perhaps hidden deep, deep in your heart, there is a bit of faith like a mustard seed. And so while you are looking at who you are, I would like to remind you to also remember whose you are. You are the daughter of a King!

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  2. I won’t insult you by saying I’ve been where you are, but the first part of your post reminds me where I once lived. Thankfully, like you, I stopped listening to the lies told by my mirror. Like yours, my mirror reflected only how I saw myself at a particular moment in time, reflecting the lies I was telling myself: That I was unforgivable, that I was ugly, and that I was no good. For me, the problem was not the mirror but the eyes with which I looked into it. I had to begin looking into my mirror with loving eyes, with eyes of forgiveness and understanding, with eyes of mercy and compassion, with eyes of hope and promise, before I finally saw myself. For me, I imagined looking at myself through the eyes of a loving God, non-judgmental and endlessly patient, before the image I saw finally took shape and I realized how beautiful I really am. Like you are. And like you, I’ve had periods where my faith in God seemed to elude me. For me, it had much to do with the church I attended, which church seemed distant and sterile – dead even, and unconvincing, despite its grandeur. Like a mirror, I believe churches can reflect how that community sees God and its relationship to Him, not necessarily how God really is and not necessarily the meaningful relationship He offers each of us. For me, my former church did not project an image of God that matched the reflection projected by my heart, and that’s why I felt lost and questioned my beliefs. In part, it’s why my world became so very dark for a time and why I had trouble believing in myself and in God. In my case, like you, I didn’t give up on myself. I did not settle for the lies. I did not settle for the emptiness that threatened to drown me. I kept searching and praying for God to find me, not realizing until much later that He had never lost me – He was merely waiting for me to find my way back to Him. For me, that meant after years of prayer (often that seemed unanswered), years of searching (often in all the wrong places), and years of reading the Bible (often which I found incomprehensible or boring and not interactive, at first). I searched for a church until I found a mirror of God that matched my own. I finally found a little church that felt right to me, that made me feel as though I were home, and once I did that, then it anchored me as my faith came back into view. But I ramble, and it’s your post, not mine. I apologize for that. What I meant to say, in short, was that your post spoke to me and reminded me of another time. It is with humility and respect that I will keep you in my thoughts, and I look forward to reading about your journey. As you wrote, you are beautiful and smart, and it is a joy to read your written words.

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