seek him

Jeremiah 17:7 states “Blessed [with spiritual security] is the man who believes and trusts in and relies on the Lord and whose hope and confident expectation is the Lord”

I read this verse tonight and I couldn’t help but feel sad and disappointed. Not in the Lord, or anyone else, but really myself. I have written before of my past with sexual abuse and men and life in general and how I have struggled so much with believing that I am welcomed into God’s kingdom; of whether I am deserving of it. I am sad because after reading that verse I can still NOT say that I am that women who relies fully on the Lord. I am sad because I spend every night and every morning trying to succumb to God and still fail. I wrote this poem just better expressing my thoughts:

I feel empty
as if life is going nowhere
holding on to tragic memories
tugging at my heart, too hard to bare

it’s funny, Satan knows just what to say
when life seems to only put me down
when my faith is lacking and I can’t trust you God
it’s as if I’m meant to drown

I ask myself if God even cares
For this insecure, broken young girl
Excuse me for my language
But I also wonder
Why the fuck was I brought into this world

I feel alone in this
As if I cannot trust a single being
I’ve been abused, betrayed, abandoned
My thoughts are in constant fleeing

Who am I anymore
If I have no faith, no future, no friend
What is the point of everything
If I cannot get this unhappy reality to end

God, I need you now more than ever
Yet I don’t want to be a hypocrite
Because the doubt I have in being a Christian
Has led my away just a bit

But I know you and your mercy
I know if I ask, you will come
I’m just tired of the constant battling and suffering
I put others through, including You, the holy spirit and your son

God, I know you give me more than I can handle
Because it only leads me to your grace
I only want things to get better though
I’m tired of living in this place

I pray that you forgive me Lord
For having another sleepless, emotional night
Questioning you, yet once again
Not able to see your radiant light

The depression, the devil, this sad world
Has caused me so much pain
But you saved me not too long ago
And I know you can do it again

I can say one thing after writing this. Satan is in constant attack mode with me, as I’m sure he is for many of my fellow Christian brothers and sisters or even those who don’t believe, however we can not let him win! EVER! I started writing this poem just wanting to hate myself and listen to Satan’s lies, but then i felt HIM, my Lord and savior. I felt HIM pull at my heart strings and tell me that his love and his grace and mercy is far greater then anything Satan can ever tell me. That I am worth it, always, and loved, always. Depression is real people, whether it be an imbalance in my chemical makeup or just my lack in faith, it is real. And I hurt for all my beautiful peers who go through the same things, who may go through it constantly and who may struggle with suicidal thoughts. I hurt for you all who feel that you are not good enough. but please, know that it is not true. we are all worth living! we are all deserving of love and peace, and if you don’t believe in Christ himself, i just pray that you one day seek him and find inner peace, for God is good all the time.

1 John 1:8- If we [freely] admit that we have sinned and confess our sins, HE is faithful and just [true to his own nature and promises], and will forgive our sins and cleanse us continually from all unrighteousness [our wrongdoing, everything not in conformity with His will and purpose].

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49 thoughts on “seek him

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  1. love, love, love your poem. Somedays, life is just like that…but then there’s God, Jesus and Holy Spirit, the immortal three in one always there, by my side. I can’t go wrong even when I try cause they are always by our side. Hold on, your change is coming. Keep inspiring and being inspired!

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  2. Honestly, this breaks my heart. You are so accepted. You are so loved by God. You are not your past. The devil is the one reminding you of your past. I want to cry. Not because you’re a failure, but because you’re a wonderful sister in Christ. You have a wonderful heart. I might add, a wonderful smile.

    The Lord is saying to you that you are His beloved. “the thief comes to steal and to kill and to destroy; I have come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.” John 10:10

    I want to see you free, in love with Jesus, and not hindered. I know you don’t know me, but we are family, and I desire to see you walk in the same joy that I get to experience. Forgive me if this seems a little intense, I just don’t want lies and the devil to stop you from being who you were made to be!!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Amen. Hope deferred majes the heart sick but when desire comes it is the tree of life. Proverbs 13:12
    The enemy does not want you to recognize his trap to keep you oppressed, bound and silent.
    However God wants you to walk in liberty, peace and love, and to share of His Goodness, grace,and mercy. And to share the message that if He did it for me, He will do it for you. Keep pressing towards the mark of the high calling. Shake the devil off and tell him, he is not welcome anymore. You are a daughter of the King and you will come out of this, with a breakthrough, a praise, and a testimony!!!! Be blessed and encouraged!!!!💖😘

    Liked by 2 people

  4. This is beautiful katelyn. I’ve been here so many times in my life. Even when I was living “right” I’d still think, I’m going keep trying to do what God wants even though I know it’s too late, I am too unworthy, too unlovable, too everything to be counted as His child. Reading my Bible, God showed me this, “For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39 It was those verses that sunk in, that nothing can separate me from God’s Love. Sorry for the long comment but your poem, and post moved me. God Bless you :):)

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Well I. Was going through stages of my depression and anxiety and had no one to turn to it felt like. I love my family, and friends but no one could help me mentally and then I went to Berry college, a Christian based school and some girls introduced me to the Word. I went on a summer long retreat with them and one day I just surrendered. Thanks for asking!

      Liked by 2 people

  5. I just shared your verse
    1 John 1:8- If we [freely] admit that we have sinned and confess our sins, HE is faithful and just [true to his own nature and promises], and will forgive our sins and cleanse us continually from all unrighteousness [our wrongdoing, everything not in conformity with His will and purpose].

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Right now, as I prepare the post, I must strive to stay focused, to keep my mind, directed to the shelter of the LORD. Because memories, thoughts, the environment, are used to knock us out, but the Lord defends and protects us, provided we seek Him.
    Then, assuming my own weakness, I place myself under the protection of the LORD, permanently.

    There is a universal key that works for everyone, in all situations, at all times, it is a request:
    — Help, LORD Jesus!

    I also say:
    Help, always, LORD Jesus!

    You can also say, whenever you need it, and also in the good times.

    I also suggest in 100% Jesus the post:

    There is a method
    https://carlossp1.wordpress.com/2017/05/26/there-is-a-method/

    Thank Him and share.

    Faith, health, blessings, and peace !!!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Im praying for you dear. This will pass. God told me to seek Him, and when I did, everything became so much more clearer. God is with you every step of the way. He knows how your feeling and He will acknowledge it. I know it sounds cliche, but its true when they say that God may not be there when you want Him, but He is always on time. Continue to have faith and stay strong. God bless you

    Liked by 3 people

  8. Hello again. You’ve read a few of my blog posts so I found yours to say thank you. I read one of your other posts a few minutes ago and commented on it — and then stumbled across this hauntingly beautiful prose. You’re a gifted writer and I believe God blessed you with that talent for a reason. Someday it will reveal itself to you if it hasn’t already. I know that you’re hurting right now and that you’ve been hurt before. I don’t know why people hurt people the way they do, but it isn’t because they deserve it. You did not deserve it. And you shouldn’t feel guilt, if you do. In fact, that kind of abuse has little to do with you — and everything to do with your abuser. That kind of hurt and betrayal is hard to overcome, but all things are possible with God and He is clearly in your corner. You write about not feeling worthy and how you struggle with that. Perhaps that’s because none of us are really worthy. God doesn’t love us because we’re worthy or because we say or do certain things — or because we’re good. God loves us because we belong to Him and because we are important to Him. Worthy or not, we are unique in the universe, we are beautiful spirits, and we are important in ways we cannot possibly comprehend. And in a very real sense, we’re His children. And no matter what we say or do, no matter what happens to us, no matter how many lapses in faith or hope we endure, no matter whether we struggle with depression or suicidal thoughts, God does not abandon us — and we should never abandon Him. I read in the Bible that we need to ask Him for help when we need it. He’ll know what we need before we ask even if we’re not sure. He’s waiting for us to ask. I’ll pray for you too. As for feeling you have no friend, I’ll be your friend. I’m only just always one keystroke away. ❤ God bless.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I have also had experience with abuse and bad relationships, so your story deeply resonates. I’ve written much about them in some of my 2014-2015 posts and perhaps you might find some comfort in them. If it were possible, I would love to share a cup of coffee with you. Praying God breathe freshness into your spirit. He loves you so much and has so much good in store for you.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. I know that many Christians don’t believe therapy is a legitimate tool in overcoming depression or other emotionally and mental health problems. I guess that’s because they believe God should be enough. I don’t know if you are one who feels that way and I don’t know if you have sought therapy. But I just want to say, if you are someone who thinks that God should be enough, or if you simply have not given therapy a chance, that seeking help from a therapist when you have a mental health issue is no different than seeking help from a medical doctor when you have a physical health issue. God often works through doctors to deliver physical healing and He often works through a therapist to deliver mental health healing. God made therapists just as he made doctors. In addition, there are many, many professionally trained and qualified therapists who practice from a Christian paradigm. Regardless of what is often said, psychology and religion, specifically Christianity, are not at odds. In fact they dove tail nicely with one another. If you haven’t tried therapy, I urge you to do so. There are no extra points or express tickets to heaven for suffering alone or without the help God has made available to all of us.

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    1. I appreciate this. I personally would like to try therapy, however I went to one session in my college and was immediately told I should be put on medication. I just know from experience that I have addictive personality and so I am scared I will somewhat become addicted or fully rely on the medication. I also have other health problems and I don’t know if adding on to that will be alright for me. It’s definitely something I struggle with when regarding my faith.

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      1. Sometimes when we are severely depressed or have been depressed for a long time our brain stops or considerably slows the manufacturing of neurotransmitters responsible for regulating mood. In these cases it is important to take medication for a period of time to kick start the brain to begin producing the neurotransmitters again. Without the medication it is very difficult to get that process started again. And while there is a weaning that is necessary when we stop antidepressants, as there is with many medications, they are not addictive in the usual sense. Meaning they do not cause any kind of high and the body doesn’t habituate or crave them like it would a drug of abuse. There is really no reason to be concerned about addiction. That said, I have never heard of a therapist refusing to work with someone because they did not want to take medication. If that was the case for you I would urge you to try again. I would recommend that you look for a Licensed psychotherapist, a LMFT, an LCSW or a Licensed P.hd or PsyD Psychologist who practices as a Christian counselor. These are titles used in California for therapists who are licensed by the state. In another state they may have different titles but it is important to see someone licensed. I pray that you will search for and find someone who can guide you through this journey and help you in treating a disorder that is easily treatable with a high rate if success. I will be praying for you.

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  11. I love your honesty. I’ve decided to take this year to focus on how God sees me. He sees us a “chosen, redeemed, and He is so in love with us”. I have decided to write down scriptures to cancel the enemy’s lies immediately. God is so in love with you girly. His plans are perfect.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. Hearing your pain is hurts me for you, Praying that the reality of Immanuel (God with us), Isaiah 7:14) becomes a comfort so real to you that it warms you and gives you strength. And also — “…; for He [God] [b]Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor [c]give you up nor leave you without support. [I will] not, [d][I will] not, [I will] not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor [e]let [you] down ([f]relax My hold on you)! [[g]Assuredly not!]” — Hebrews13:5b. —-AND — “, and behold, I am with you [c]all the days ([d]perpetually, uniformly, and on every occasion), to the [very] close and consummation of the age. [e]Amen (so let it be).” —Matthew 28:20b. I hope these verses will be something that can saturate and penetrate the isolation and bruising you have felt. He makes all things new!! Believing in that for you!! Romans 12! (Renewing of the mind)!! God bless you!! And comfort you!!

    Liked by 2 people

  13. Such raw and real talk right here. Thank you for sharing, it’s very brave. Keep on the Path and if I can ever help in any way, let me know. Prayers!

    Liked by 3 people

  14. Kate, I so identify with your pain and suffering in that I went through much of that myself. My dad was a user and an abuser and then I married a user and an abuser. I have been a believer in Jesus Christ for 60 years, and my Lord has carried me through it all, but there were times in my life when I battled the same kinds of thoughts as you. Through it all the Lord has been my strength, even when I failed him miserably. He was there to pick me up and put me back on the right path, and he had a plan for it all to use me in his service. He turned what Satan meant for evil in my life to good. I wrote my story, at his direction. I created a blog just for that purpose. Perhaps you have already read it. I don’t know, but you can read it here: https://walkingwounded.blog/i-married-my-dad/.

    Praying for you and your encouragement. You have received some wonderful counsel and encouragement from your readers here. Just keep trusting the Lord no matter what, and believe he has a plan and a purpose for your life. Surrender it all to him. Believe in his sovereignty. He can turn your life around.

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