seek him

Jeremiah 17:7 states “Blessed [with spiritual security] is the man who believes and trusts in and relies on the Lord and whose hope and confident expectation is the Lord”

I read this verse tonight and I couldn’t help but feel sad and disappointed. Not in the Lord, or anyone else, but really myself. I have written before of my past with sexual abuse and men and life in general and how I have struggled so much with believing that I am welcomed into God’s kingdom; of whether I am deserving of it. I am sad because after reading that verse I can still NOT say that I am that women who relies fully on the Lord. I am sad because I spend every night and every morning trying to succumb to God and still fail. I wrote this poem just better expressing my thoughts:

I feel empty
as if life is going nowhere
holding on to tragic memories
tugging at my heart, too hard to bare

it’s funny, Satan knows just what to say
when life seems to only put me down
when my faith is lacking and I can’t trust you God
it’s as if I’m meant to drown

I ask myself if God even cares
For this insecure, broken young girl
Excuse me for my language
But I also wonder
Why the fuck was I brought into this world

I feel alone in this
As if I cannot trust a single being
I’ve been abused, betrayed, abandoned
My thoughts are in constant fleeing

Who am I anymore
If I have no faith, no future, no friend
What is the point of everything
If I cannot get this unhappy reality to end

God, I need you now more than ever
Yet I don’t want to be a hypocrite
Because the doubt I have in being a Christian
Has led my away just a bit

But I know you and your mercy
I know if I ask, you will come
I’m just tired of the constant battling and suffering
I put others through, including You, the holy spirit and your son

God, I know you give me more than I can handle
Because it only leads me to your grace
I only want things to get better though
I’m tired of living in this place

I pray that you forgive me Lord
For having another sleepless, emotional night
Questioning you, yet once again
Not able to see your radiant light

The depression, the devil, this sad world
Has caused me so much pain
But you saved me not too long ago
And I know you can do it again

I can say one thing after writing this. Satan is in constant attack mode with me, as I’m sure he is for many of my fellow Christian brothers and sisters or even those who don’t believe, however we can not let him win! EVER! I started writing this poem just wanting to hate myself and listen to Satan’s lies, but then i felt HIM, my Lord and savior. I felt HIM pull at my heart strings and tell me that his love and his grace and mercy is far greater then anything Satan can ever tell me. That I am worth it, always, and loved, always. Depression is real people, whether it be an imbalance in my chemical makeup or just my lack in faith, it is real. And I hurt for all my beautiful peers who go through the same things, who may go through it constantly and who may struggle with suicidal thoughts. I hurt for you all who feel that you are not good enough. but please, know that it is not true. we are all worth living! we are all deserving of love and peace, and if you don’t believe in Christ himself, i just pray that you one day seek him and find inner peace, for God is good all the time.

1 John 1:8- If we [freely] admit that we have sinned and confess our sins, HE is faithful and just [true to his own nature and promises], and will forgive our sins and cleanse us continually from all unrighteousness [our wrongdoing, everything not in conformity with His will and purpose].