this can’t be my story

About a week or two ago I received a random call from someone I didn’t expect. The conversation was about healing and finally moving on from the pain that follows when sexually abused as a child. I was told that I was brave for writing my feelings and sharing my story and that it was inspiring. Thank you for telling me that (you know who you are). What you don’t know is that I don’t want this to be my story. I don’t want to have to share the pain I feel, the scared thoughts that I have towards the man I hate most, the man who abused me. Years after the abuse, I still have nightmares; I still lay awake at night scared of seeing his face in the darkness. What no one knows is the feelings of guilt I have for not speaking up sooner, for allowing another young beautiful child to have to go through the same things I did when dealing with her past. What no one knows is how alone I feel sometimes because I don’t know why I am the way I am and don’t want to be judged by others. So yes, I write. I don’t want to because I want to inspire people, I do it because sometimes I feel so lost within myself, so desperate, so lonely that if I don’t write, I’m scared what might become. However, I do know the impact of what sharing your troubles can lead to. I do know that God used us through our struggles in order to lead others to him. 2 COR 1:4 states: He’s the one who comforts us in all our trouble so that we can comfort other people who are in every kind of trouble.
Shouldn’t I just accept this and move on.

I continuously ask myself, what does this mean regarding my faith in Christ? What is the point of calling myself a Christian if i can’t even rely on God to show me that I am more, that I am worthy of him? It is a CONSTANT struggle! What does it mean that I rely on the opinion of men more then the opinion of God himself. And I want to change. I know God as my Lord and savior and I know that if I pursue in Him, he will pursue me.

Psalm 139:7-8 I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence! If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the grave, you are there.

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29 thoughts on “this can’t be my story

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  1. I was abused as well and I thank God that gave me he hope of forgiveness. Hope for the man that abused me, to be saved as I pray every night for him. I cane to America to protect my child from her step grandfather who name I carry.
    When you truly forgive, you find that Peace that Surpass All Understanding. I 💕 you in Christ.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is not your story. This is a chapter in your life. It was a chapter in my life. It is an addition. The reality is, it happened. The other reality is, shame and guilt suck and can cause great damage to our lives.
    I am so very, very sorry this happened. Vulnerability is the birthplace of courage and you my dear are courageous. This is not where your story ends but maybe this is the beginning.
    If you have a chance please watch the Ted talk with Berne Brown on vulnerability. In fact watch all of her work on shame and guilt. Such a beautiful explanation of what they mean. She pretty much saved my life.
    You are braving the wilderness of your life.. carry on dear with your chin held high ♡

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  3. Thank you for speaking your truth and being authentic. When I first told my friends and family about the sexual abuse I experienced I was afraid because saying it made it real. Once I said it, I could never go back to how my life was before.. I’d be forever branded the girl who has sexual trauma. “I don’t want to carry this burden” “I didn’t choose this” I thought over and over till I became filled with rage. What has helped me heal may not help you heal, and I am no one to offer unsolicited advice. But I will offer you this: you writing is so important. to talk about healing, particularly from something such as sexual abuse, is what this world needs. I was frustrated that I didn’t know how to heal. We’re not taught how to heal, like how we are with death (there are clear stages of grief and people bring you casseroles and wear black etc.). There aren’t movies and tv shows and books in the popular culture sphere about healing from rape. And yet clearly, as a society we are seeing how prevalent it is. Reading your post makes me feel less alone in my healing process. It’s not easy. You are so strong. Thank you for sharing.

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  4. Thank you SO much for sharing this “thread” in the fabric of your story. Like many who commented, I share parts of your story, but the journey you take will show how God can redeem your pain and create something beautiful. This blog and the.comments are a peek at how one woman’s story can encourage others.forward. Please keep writing. You are loved.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m late to your blog. I noticed you had been reading a few posts in my blog– and it means a lot to me. So I thought I would say thank you. I don’t know you and I have so far only read this one post. You mentioned that you don’t want this to be your story. It isn’t. It’s just a chapter in your life story or possibly a footnote for character development in the play manuscript you’re living. I can feel your strength in your writing. Reading the content of your post was like opening a basement window. But instead of a moth – a beautiful butterfly flew out of the cellar and into the sun. You’ve got this. You’re going to be all right. ❤

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    1. This was so beautiful and so greatly appreciated. Sometimes I get sad over whether my life has any purpose especially because of my past but people like you and of course Jesus Christ help me to see past that and move on. Thank you so much again for reading and God bless ❤

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  6. I’m ancient compared to you (I can tell by your photo). One thing life has taught me is that every life has a purpose. All life is sacred and connected. The only question to ask ourselves is what our purpose is? The thing is, we may not know it until later in life — so, if you don’t figure it out right now, don’t worry about it. Trust that God has a plan and you’re in good hands. Besides, I believe God has this way about disclosing things we need to know when we need to know it. Sometimes if we knew our purpose, we might be overwhelmed at what God has planned for us and bolt, LOL. So I suspect sometimes He doesn’t tell us until our purpose is well underway and it’s too late to do anything other than succeed at it. The best advice I can share to find your purpose is something my parents told me: “Follow your dreams. They are the road maps that God has given you.” And as for your past, it’s in the past. Unpleasant experiences add to our humanity and probably give us empathy, insight, and understanding for others that serve us well in ways we cannot possibly comprehend. Life is a balancing act. But you do have an important choice. You can let your past own you or you can own it. It’ll take time to heal, but you will heal. However, you won’t move on until you forgive. And the forgiving is not for the person who hurt you. The forgiving is for you. Because it takes a lot of energy to carry around hate and anger. And just because you forgive the person who hurt you, s/he still has to face God’s judgment — because only God knows his or her heart. The forgiving may take some time, but remember that God is asking you to do anything for others that we are not asking God to do for us. You’ve got this. You just may not know it yet. Anyway, I better go to bed. Goodnight and sorry for the lengthy posts. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. please don’t ever be sorry for writing me like this, i greatly appreciate every single word you wrote. It means so much and I hope we continue to read each others blogs and grow spiritually from it. God bless you and goodnight ❤

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  7. What you have been through isn’t who you are. You are becoming who you are, who God made you to be since the foundation of the world. He began this work in you, and He will finish it. No man, not even Satan himself, can stop God from doing His work in you if you let Him. Your writing shows that you ARE! It’s a process though, and there will undoubtedly be set backs. (I speak from experience!). Just always return to the only One who has the words of life, the One who died for you. Peace!

    Liked by 1 person

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