About a week or two ago I received a random call from someone I didn’t expect. The conversation was about healing and finally moving on from the pain that follows when sexually abused as a child. I was told that I was brave for writing my feelings and sharing my story and that it was inspiring. Thank you for telling me that (you know who you are). What you don’t know is that I don’t want this to be my story. I don’t want to have to share the pain I feel, the scared thoughts that I have towards the man I hate most, the man who abused me. Years after the abuse, I still have nightmares; I still lay awake at night scared of seeing his face in the darkness. What no one knows is the feelings of guilt I have for not speaking up sooner, for allowing another young beautiful child to have to go through the same things I did when dealing with her past. What no one knows is how alone I feel sometimes because I don’t know why I am the way I am and don’t want to be judged by others. So yes, I write. I don’t want to because I want to inspire people, I do it because sometimes I feel so lost within myself, so desperate, so lonely that if I don’t write, I’m scared what might become. However, I do know the impact of what sharing your troubles can lead to. I do know that God used us through our struggles in order to lead others to him. 2 COR 1:4 states: He’s the one who comforts us in all our trouble so that we can comfort other people who are in every kind of trouble.
Shouldn’t I just accept this and move on.
I continuously ask myself, what does this mean regarding my faith in Christ? What is the point of calling myself a Christian if i can’t even rely on God to show me that I am more, that I am worthy of him? It is a CONSTANT struggle! What does it mean that I rely on the opinion of men more then the opinion of God himself. And I want to change. I know God as my Lord and savior and I know that if I pursue in Him, he will pursue me.
Psalm 139:7-8 I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence! If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the grave, you are there.