i don’t want to forgive you

I’m thinking back to my childhood and you know what: what if I don’t want to forgive you?

This is for all the men who thought it was okay to hurt me, to abuse me, to abandon me, to use me, to take advantage of me just because they felt it was no big deal. They assumed because I was so kind and caring, that I would forgive them and simply forget the hurt they caused. How many times do I have to hear “Katelyn, if you just learn to forgive, all will be fine. You will feel at ease and be able to move on.” I don’t want to forgive.

To the first man who ever hurt me. At the age of eight, I didn’t exactly know what was happening to me. Being led away from the other children, I wondered why you chose me? I didn’t feel special, or loved by you. I felt disgusted and uncomfortable and I would pray that my parents or ANYBODY would come home and rescue me. I’d wonder if it was my fault, was I leading you on in some weird way? I was so scared and so confused. I knew it wasn’t normal. I hated myself and I hated you! So why the fuck would I want to forgive you. It would only make you feel better knowing you don’t have to be sorry anymore. Where is the good in that.

To a different man who hurt me. Did you not realize how much your addiction hurt me and our family? Father, you are so special to me but sometimes I think to myself if my life would’ve been easier with you not around. You have chosen drugs over me most of my life and even when I told you how much it hurt me, you didn’t listen. Now you are millions of miles away in a country you barely know because you couldn’t stay clean. Now my family is still suffering due to your selfish actions and I don’t want to forgive you.

To the last man that will hurt me. At twenty years old, I fell in love with you. My first real love. The first guy I let tear into the hard walls of my heart, I trusted you. I began to choose you over my own family, over my own values. You just made me feel so special and loved, I craved you so bad. I then chose to pursue my faith with Christ and you decided it was time to abandon me completely. Could that have been God’s doing? Taking you out of my life so suddenly because He knew the suffering that would follow if I were to stay with you. But why didn’t you fight for me! Why the fuck did I waste so much time falling for someone who could suddenly not care or love me anymore. What was the point? You promised over and over that you could never love someone as much as you loved me, that you could never hurt me. You knew the stories of the men who hurt me and yet you decided it was best that you just be another in the list.I will never let you back in. And guess what, I don’t forgive you.

I write this today, just angry, saddened by the reality that I have not moved on from the horrors of what life has offered me. I know forgiveness is needed in order to truly go on in peace tomorrow. But I don’t want that right now. I want to be angry. I deserve to be angry.

To the one man who has forgiven me over and over, Lord I thank you and I know in the future I will eventually have to take in your image and forgive those who have hurt me. But I need time.

52 thoughts on “i don’t want to forgive you”

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  1. Hey sister in christ, I have read this and want you to know that you will be prayed for! Its not easy forgiveness, believe me I know from my own past. We need Gods help to forgive through us in his strength. Especially when the traumatic experience leaves deep wounds that only Jesus can heal. Pray that God will help you be ready. Forgiveness has the power to release you for tour past. God bless you!

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    2. I’m in shock right now, we literally have a lot in common when it comes to this subject. I was 5 years old when I was first molested. He was my babysitter’s son, and he was 19 years old. The worst part was when my mom found out about it after a guidance counselor met with me when I was in the 4th grade. My teacher asked her to meet with me because I was having a very hard time focusing, staying on task, grades dropped, etc. The counselor called my mom and told her what I had discussed with her. When I got home that day I had no idea that from that day on mine and my mother’s relationship would never be the same. I came home and she yelled at me, she screamed… how could you tell such a horrible, hurtful lie?! She hit me repeatedly, I couldn’t believe it, my own mom, I just kept replaying the argument over and over again. Because of that, I never felt like I could confide in my mom again, and I didn’t. I became a target for older men, she sent me a few years later to live with my brother and ex step dad, I was 14 and they were both drug dealers. I know how it feels to try and forgive, especially because I kept blaming myself, even though I was still a child. Ultimately, I have forgiven and asked for forgiveness. I’m still trying to forgive myself for some things that happened along the way. After I met my husband I was able to get my life straightened out with time. Now, I feel so blessed to have my own little family, I encourage my kids to be open and honest with myself and my husband, and for the most part they are pretty open. They definitely got a little bit of both my husband and I because they can be start butts sometimes, lol!! Thank you for being so open and honest about your life, I think you are very courageous for opening up like this and telling your story. Thank you, I’m excited to read more!

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      1. That was supposed to say that my kids are smart butts, not start butts, lol. It’s 4:00 am so my brain is fried. But I wanted to let you know that I will keep you in my prayers. Forgiveness is so hard sometimes, but I always keep in mind that just because I forgive someone for hurting me, that doesn’t mean that I have to forget about it, at least not until I am ready to.

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    3. I just wanted to say how much I appreciate your comment on this post. I was raised in a Catholic Church with family members who never really went to church, drank way too much, and loved to be obnoxiously proud of our Irish descent. I’m now in the deep South, Bible belt! I have come to know Jesus Christ as my Lord, but even though I believe with all that I am, I still have moments when I wonder if he’s there, can he not hear my pleas for guidance when I’m at my lowest? My husband will talk with me, we pray together, I start to feel better and then there’s another bump in the road. I used to get so angry at God, but I’m slowly learning that he’s always there and has always been there. I know that he has a plan for my life, so if something falls through I am able to understand that there’s a reason why. Thank you again, your post was inspiring to me!

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      1. Your welcome! Your post inspired me to write a new blog post called the power of forgiveness, please read it whenever you can. Our journey with Christ is not always easy but he is always with us even when he seems distant. We are overcomers in this world! It’s tough, but people like you and me become stronger through what we have been through. You can reach many people with your powerful testimony and your journey with God. Gid bless you and your husband!

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    4. It really does take God, in order to forgive. Much prayer, when you give it to God, you will have freedom.
      As a child I grew up feeling unloved, unwanted, and molested. So I understand about forgiveness.

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  3. Praying for you! Forgiveness takes time, but it is for you, not the guilty person. I have walked the long road of hurt and shame from multiple offenders in my lifetime, forgiveness is possible when we allow God to carry the weight. He logs to heal us, fall into his arms, he understands better than you do exactly what you feel and he alone holds the answer to every questioned asked.

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  4. Hi, Katelyn! I’ve read your post and the above comments and am praying with the dear women who are praying for you. Forgiving is so hard, and yes it is a process, but it is worth it in the end, because it sets you free, not the ones who hurt you.
    Love and prayers for you, dear one. You, too, are loved by the King of kings!

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  5. Thank you for sharing this. I know how difficult it was to open up & share your raw feelings. God bless you! I am praying for you! People are so sick. They do not care how they damage their victims for the rest of their lives. Just remember that forgiveness is for you, not them. That still does not make this easier, but always remember that it is for your healing. My words are inadequate to your pain, but you are loved & prayed for!

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  7. Ah, what a story to reveal. Know this, God, the creator of us all is inside you enabling you to get on with your dear life. Our human nature wants life to be easy, to be able to put a remark, a hateful act against us in the microwave and have it instantly vanish in the air.. Rejoice in the Lord Always. Look unto him the finisher of our faith. God bless you, and thanks for liking my page.

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  8. You just keep praying and believing On The Lord, Sweetie ❤ ❤ ❤ He would never hurt you! I stayed away from the Lord for a long time only to find out HE is Who I needed ❤ This may seem a weird thing to say but I am going to say it anyway: I LOVE YOU ❤

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  10. I became too sad while of reading this post. Sometimes people will forgot their humanity or their commitment to someone with or without awareness. I experienced in a broken love too that a girl just felt me in her love and then left me! For two months I couldn’t live normal as well as before, but I reached to this situation to forgot every things and start again! I went to military service and start new season in my life after University and then I went abroad for Master and after 8 years when I remember that moment, just a smile is coming on my face!
    I only can tell you ” try to forgot every things and start again, think you are zero “

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  12. Hey sister, I do not know what you personally went through, so I’m not dismissing it. I’m fact, I hurt for you. I was violated as a young teen by a trusted family friend. I have been going to church for years. Literally all of my 35 years, too be exact, and it took me until a few years ago to, not forgive the dude, but pity his sad existence, which lead to the ability to forgive. I think the key is letting Christ, and the holy spirit work on you one day at a time. That’s what it took and takes for me. Forgiveness is so freaking hard! I’ll be praying for you and your journey with the LORD. Do you have a female that is older in the faith that can mentor you? That was huge for me.

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    1. I am so thankful for you! I actually do not have a mentor but am looking into getting involved with a church and hopefully find a mentor there. I know God is working in me and the healing is slowly but surely getting there ❤

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  13. Praying for you as you move toward healing and forgiveness. May the Lord heal you in miraculous ways, in his time and in his way. May your story not be a void in your life, but a tool to impact the many lives who have experienced similar pain.

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  14. I have what I felt to be the roots of my being ripped from me, from the people I trusted most and who I thought had my back. I still, even though I want to is not fully forgiven them, and I believe I recently figured out why. Their interruption into my life has sent me down a path I do not want to go. What I am saying, God has a different path than I had for me and I am mad I have missed all the things I had planned for me. And that is just the issue, instead of me saying, OK God which way now, I am fighting God to get on “my path” rather than accepting God’s will. As I accept God’s Will, my aged subdues naturally because it’s all part of His plan, can’t stay mad at God.

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    2. ChristDisciple- I love your response. I have been doing that my whole life, trying to make my plans work, and when they fail I blame God. I have finally realized that I don’t have control over my life, God does. He has a plan for me, and his plan is going to be better than any plans I could have made for myself. Once I accepted that there are many things that I can’t control, I was finally able to let Jesus take the wheel!! Thank you!

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  15. Dear sister I am praying for you. You need release. I will pray that you can but it will have to be you that makes that choice. They cannot hold any sway over you any longer. You will be held in deeper bondage if you cannot release them. That does not mean that they will not be held accountable. Nor does it mean they will not feel guilt. It means you have let go of the damage it can cause you. You will still remember but you will be freed. Trust me. These things do take time and it is okay to experience anger but don’t let it turn you bitter and hold you in bondage. I know what that is like. When I was able to release someone it felt like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. I pray this experience for you. Come and refresh yourself in my scripture reflections and immerse yourself in the Presence of God. For He has a plan for you.

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  16. I was shocked reading this, because we have so much in common. Then, I was horrified, because there are many of us sisters in Christ who have experienced this. I am 20, and I am still dealing with the abuse and neglect that I experienced from different members of my family. You are strong. All of us victims of this abuse are stronger than we realize, because we are still fighting every day. Women of God, we need to stand together. I am really inspired and encouraged by your post, Katelyn. You have such a good heart, and I am proud of your bravery to share. It is because of women like you that I feel more comfortable with sharing my story.

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  19. Yes. Although we are asked to forgive the unforgivable just as God does; it has been my own experience that cheap forgiveness has about the same value as cheap grace. Even God is often angry with us for a long time before He forgives us — isn’t He?

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  20. I can’t even imagine what you have been through Katelyn. You are so strong, you are inspiration to us all. Your story will help others who have gone through your hurt and pain, and God is helping you to save others through your experiences. You are so great sista!

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