I’m thinking back to my childhood and you know what: what if I don’t want to forgive you?
This is for all the men who thought it was okay to hurt me, to abuse me, to abandon me, to use me, to take advantage of me just because they felt it was no big deal. They assumed because I was so kind and caring, that I would forgive them and simply forget the hurt they caused. How many times do I have to hear “Katelyn, if you just learn to forgive, all will be fine. You will feel at ease and be able to move on.” I don’t want to forgive.
To the first man who ever hurt me. At the age of eight, I didn’t exactly know what was happening to me. Being led away from the other children, I wondered why you chose me? I didn’t feel special, or loved by you. I felt disgusted and uncomfortable and I would pray that my parents or ANYBODY would come home and rescue me. I’d wonder if it was my fault, was I leading you on in some weird way? I was so scared and so confused. I knew it wasn’t normal. I hated myself and I hated you! So why the fuck would I want to forgive you. It would only make you feel better knowing you don’t have to be sorry anymore. Where is the good in that.
To a different man who hurt me. Did you not realize how much your addiction hurt me and our family? Father, you are so special to me but sometimes I think to myself if my life would’ve been easier with you not around. You have chosen drugs over me most of my life and even when I told you how much it hurt me, you didn’t listen. Now you are millions of miles away in a country you barely know because you couldn’t stay clean. Now my family is still suffering due to your selfish actions and I don’t want to forgive you.
To the last man that will hurt me. At twenty years old, I fell in love with you. My first real love. The first guy I let tear into the hard walls of my heart, I trusted you. I began to choose you over my own family, over my own values. You just made me feel so special and loved, I craved you so bad. I then chose to pursue my faith with Christ and you decided it was time to abandon me completely. Could that have been God’s doing? Taking you out of my life so suddenly because He knew the suffering that would follow if I were to stay with you. But why didn’t you fight for me! Why the fuck did I waste so much time falling for someone who could suddenly not care or love me anymore. What was the point? You promised over and over that you could never love someone as much as you loved me, that you could never hurt me. You knew the stories of the men who hurt me and yet you decided it was best that you just be another in the list.I will never let you back in. And guess what, I don’t forgive you.
I write this today, just angry, saddened by the reality that I have not moved on from the horrors of what life has offered me. I know forgiveness is needed in order to truly go on in peace tomorrow. But I don’t want that right now. I want to be angry. I deserve to be angry.
To the one man who has forgiven me over and over, Lord I thank you and I know in the future I will eventually have to take in your image and forgive those who have hurt me. But I need time.