Look at her radiant smile. Hear her laugh, so sweet, so lighthearted. But look at her eyes, so sad, so somber. Can you tell how broken she is?
Sometimes I lay here in bed for hours wondering why God allowed me to live the life I’ve lived. Wondering if I would be any different today if my past was not my past. Could I have been happier? And it makes me angry; at God, at everyone, at myself! Why didn’t God protect me from the horrors, the disappointment of this world? Why does everyone decide to leave, to abandon me? Why did I let myself become a victim, to become damaged? Why can I not be stronger?
It’s one thing to read or strategize a plan on how to love myself better, but its another thing to actually believe it, to actually grasp the idea of being content within myself. I just don’t know how to. I know what Christ would tell me “Katelyn, don’t you know how much I love you, how much I see you. Cant you understand the fact that I chose to die for you. I chose you, my beautiful child.” I also know what Satan would tell me “Katelyn, if Christ really loved you then why are you the way you are. No one cares. Understand that. NO ONE CARES FOR YOU.”
I was asked today why I choose to be depressed when I know God’s word and I know Satan is attacking me. I couldn’t answer. Where is my faith? Honestly, I don’t understand why I keep allowing the devil to win knowing the truth: that God is with me! That I am worthy. That my past does not define me, ever! But still, I sit awake at night contemplating every way in which I deserve to suffer. What if I deserved every heart break I have faced because of the simple fact that I am weak, that I keep on abandoning God for the world. I keep choosing the affections of a man over THE MAN, my Lord and Savior. I keep wanting worldly things, worldly substances to make me feel better, to ease the pain within my heart, instead of turning to the one Above. Why? Why am I this way? Why am I so broken? When will I be fixed God?