i can’t be a victim

Look at her radiant smile. Hear her laugh, so sweet, so lighthearted. But look at her eyes, so sad, so somber. Can you tell how broken she is?

Sometimes I lay here in bed for hours wondering why God allowed me to live the life I’ve lived. Wondering if I would be any different today if my past was not my past. Could I have been happier? And it makes me angry; at God, at everyone, at myself! Why didn’t God protect me from the horrors, the disappointment of this world? Why does everyone decide to leave, to abandon me? Why did I let myself become a victim, to become damaged? Why can I not be stronger?

It’s one thing to read or strategize a plan on how to love myself better, but its another thing to actually believe it, to actually grasp the idea of being content within myself. I just don’t know how to. I know what Christ would tell me “Katelyn, don’t you know how much I love you, how much I see you. Cant you understand the fact that I chose to die for you. I chose you, my beautiful child.” I also know what Satan would tell me “Katelyn, if Christ really loved you then why are you the way you are. No one cares. Understand that. NO ONE CARES FOR YOU.” 

I was asked today why I choose to be depressed when I know God’s word and I know Satan is attacking me. I couldn’t answer. Where is my faith? Honestly, I don’t understand why I keep allowing the devil to win knowing the truth: that God is with me! That I am worthy. That my past does not define me, ever! But still, I sit awake at night contemplating every way in which I deserve to suffer. What if I deserved every heart break I have faced because of the simple fact that I am weak, that I keep on abandoning God for the world. I keep choosing the affections of a man over THE MAN, my Lord and Savior. I keep wanting worldly things, worldly substances to make me feel better, to ease the pain within my heart, instead of turning to the one Above. Why? Why am I this way? Why am I so broken? When will I be fixed God?

14 thoughts on “i can’t be a victim

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  1. Hi, Katelyn! I’d like to encourage you not to be too hard on yourself. Jesus isn’t being hard on you. Keep on reading His living Word so He can speak to you the encouraging words you need to hear. We are all sinners, and we all fail every day, but He loves us anyway. Here are a couple of links to books that have been a great help to me in my spiritual journey that includes spiritual battles: https://www.amazon.com/Lord-Warfare-Teach-Stand-Devotional/dp/1578564425
    and http://www.lwf.org/products/B110
    The Lord bless you and keep you and put His loving arms around you and give you peace.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Girl, I am so sorry for every battle you have fought, but don’t be discouraged! God has an amazing plan for your life. And every battle you pull through will be made to bring him glory and someone will read this, who understands, and maybe your story will help others find God. God is not punishing you, he is simply making you stronger. Keep going!

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Hi! Thanks for coming by my blog!

    It feels to me like you’re grieving—over choices made and events past. God created us to have feelings, and I think our job is to recognize them and ask them what they can teach us. Life is a process, a road trip, and as long as we can continue to learn from the past and listen in the present we will grow.

    God is faithful! And some of God’s most faithful people have dealt with depression because they grapple with life and truth more deeply.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Everything in God’s timing..He teaches you patience…give to Him every minute of every day your grievances and problems….He WILL answer your prayers in the way HE sees fit! Not the way you want them to be! His way is ALWAYS better! Hang in there! He is there for you!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I have learned that the important thing, no matter what, no matter what you’ve done, no matter what you will do, no matter how you feel, keep returning to God, always go back. Go back for forgiveness, go back to know how much He loves you. While to were a sinner, He loved you enough to die for you. Before time, before you, He was. He is. He always will be. He saw you before you were born. He was there in your birth. He sees your destiny and every step you have yet to take, and He has accepted you. Keep writing. Keep seeking Him.

    Liked by 1 person

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