The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in Spirit.
I have spent my previous 21 years believing in one simple lie: that I am not enough, that I will never be enough. I asked God constantly, will I ever fully be happy with myself? Will I ever be happy in general? I write today still wondering those same questions, however with a different heart then months ago. Before, I can truly say I was lost. A naive, sad girl who claimed to know Christ but did not want to accept the truths that came along with him. How in the world could one man have taken the burdens of every man in this world and still care for each and every one of them? How could one man love ME so much, after all my faults, and choose to die for MY sins. How could Jesus see me as a beautiful, worthy, loving soul and still want to fight for me? How? I couldn’t even love myself enough to accept those truths.
A couple of months ago, I was so hurt by the rejection and brokenness the world had to offer me. I assumed the suffering I went through was God’s way of telling me I was not fit to be his child, that I was just too much to deal with and I needed to find my own way. As a young girl, searching for any type of love, I spent countless nights questioning my own worth, crying myself to sleep. I felt so alone. The world was literally killing me inside. The hurt so deep I felt as if I would not make it another day. I let men treat me as if I was nothing, because in a way I saw myself as nothing. I pushed people away because I couldn’t face the possibility of betrayal or disappointment; I didn’t want another person to hurt me, to make me feel less. I pushed God away because I couldn’t fathom the fact that He could forgive for the girl I chose to be. The girl craving others love and acceptance so bad, she’d do anything, including denying the Lord himself.
May 2017, the month I left to Summer beach project in PCB, the month I decided to surrender fully to the Lord, the month I met an amazing set of people who wanted to grow with the Lord as well, the month that forever helped me realize just who God is. I can never forget. I spent days, fully invested in the Lord, constantly reading my Bible wanting to know more and more about Jesus. Also wanting to know more about what Jesus really thought of me. I was scared; what if I come to realize just how broken and selfish I am; what if I am not worthy enough to know God? Ephesians 4:18 states just how “wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ.” Reading that on the 9th of July, after a long hard night before, I realized just how much Jesus did love me. He even loved me enough for the both of us! His love is that big, that amazing, that fruitful. I am undeserving of this, but God is so merciful, so gracious.
Today, I still suffer and doubt God, whether it be about my past or my future. I still suffer with feeling unworthiness, with rejection. But you know what keeps me going? Matthew 11:28 says “come to me, all you who are weary, and burdened, and I will give you rest.” God promises to one day take away all my suffering, to put me at rest, to live an eternal life with him in paradise. These promises are my hope that the life I live today will no longer matter in the days to come, and that’s enough for me.
So can God really fix the broken? Of course he can, you just need to have faith. In this life, things may never be easy, in fact I know I will have to face hardships in days to come. But FAITH in Christ, HOPE in the gracious One above, will give you the strength to push through.